(EDITOR’S NOTE: Fresh off the GOP’s stunning 15-round decision to make him Speaker of the House, a disoriented but oddly confident, Kevin McCarthy, invited his top lieutenants in Congress to join him in his new office Sunday, where his furniture had been delivered and impatiently waiting for days. McCarthy was appealing for unity as his party made plans to heroically finish what it started on January 6, 2021. A transcript of what that meeting most assuredly sounded like follows …)
Newly Elected House Speaker Kevin McCarthy: Before we get started, I just want to thank each and every one of you from the very top of my deeply furrowed brow to the bottom of my fallow heart for your incredible and undying support as we set out to impeach Hunter Biden’s laptop, punish Ukraine for their attack on Putin’s Russia, rip social security away from all the old, lazy takers in our country, and show our undying respect for Mr. Trump in any and every way he commands us to. I know that many of you here didn’t …
Congresswoman Lauren Boebert interrupts: Can you run over to the fridge and get me a bottle of water, Kev? Thanks.
McCarthy: Sure, sure, here ya go. Now, as I was saying … I know that not all of you sup- …
Boebert: Yuck! This water’s warmer than my Glock 19 after a warmup session at my children’s shooting gallery. Can you PLEASE get me some cold water??? Geesh …
McCarthy: Sure, sure, sorry. I just plugged the refrigerator in, so … Here ya go.
Boebert: That’s better. And when’s dinner? I haven’t eaten anything since that piece of toast I woofed down yesterday morning. Gotta keep my figure, ya know … Posing in a string bikini while holding a bazooka and three Uzis at a Mike Pompeo “Free the Taliban Rally” in Orlando tomorrow.
<room goes quiet for 11 seconds>
Congresswoman Marjory Taylor Greene: I want to get started by saying that I think I want to head the Scientific Committee, and the Misappropriations Committee and maybe the Defensive Committee.
McCarthy: Ummm, yeah, yeah, there’ll be time for that, Margie. But as I was saying. I know we had a tough 15 votes the other night, and almost came to fisticuffs, but in the end …
Greene: You promised, Kevin. Don’t make me come over there and show you why men are absolutely terrified of me …
McCarthy: I know I did, and believe me, you literally scare the hell out of me, but before we get to that, Margie, I just want to say that you people are the most spec- …
Congressman Matt Gaetz interrupts: Whoa! Will you look at the legs on her!!!!
Boebert: Lemme see! Lemme see! Gimme yer phone, Matt! Eh, not impressed. You should have seen my legs when I was 16!
Gaetz: I dunno, these girls are hot, hot, hot! Palm Oaks High School 2022 Yearbook! Dang …
Greene: Actually, I should probably be the head of the Ethical Committee and maybe the Judgment Committee because of my undying honesty.
Congressman Jim Jordan: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT THAT’S ENOUGH, GOD-DAMMIT!!! CAN Y’ALL JUST SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE AND LET KEV FINISH WHATEVER THE HELL IT IS HE IS TRYING TO BLURT OUT????
Boebert: You don’t need to yell, Jim. They can hear you in Pennsylvania, for fuck’s sake.
Jordan: I’M NOT YELLING, LAUREN, AND I’M GETTING JUST A LITTLE SICK AND TIRED OF YOU.
Boebert: Oh yeah? Ever been held up by a skinny broad in a bikini carrying a bazooka, Jim?
Gaetz: Damn!!
McCarthy: Please, please, I beg of you! Just let me finish.
Boebert: Oh alright, go ahead, Kev. Let’s hear it.
McCarthy: Thank you.
Greene: Now that I think of it, I should probably head the Environment Committee, to make sure global warming stays around to keep our heating prices down.
Jordan: PLEASE GOD-DAMMIT, LET McCARTHY FINISH!
McCarthy: Thanks, Jim. Now, as I was saying … I have assembled you all here because I would like you to be my sounding board.
Boebert: Speaking of sounding board. Pffft …
McCarthy: Clever, Lauren. Anyway … You can see that by gathering you all here I am interested in a diversity of opinion, as we lay out our ambitious agenda to jeopardize democracy here at home and around the globe. Er, all pending the approval of Mr. Trump, of course.
Greene: Now that I think of it, if we are going to have an emphasis on diversity I should run the Civil Disobedience Committee as well.
McCarthy: Yes, well, like I said, we’ll get to the committee assignments shortly, Marge. I just want to say that …
Congressman George Santos: He’s lying.
McCarthy: Sorry, what’s that, George?
Santos: You are lying. I am an expert on the subject and you are lying.
McCarthy: About what????
Santos: Everything.
Jordan: HE’S A REPUBLICAN. OF COURSE HE’S LYING, YOU MORON. WE’RE ALL LYING HERE. IT’S WHAT WE DO.
Santos: That’s not what you said during our last meeting, Mr. Jordan.
Jordan: THAT’S BECAUSE I WAS LYING!!!
Santos: I am beginning to really like this job.
McCarthy: Listen, I know two years sounds like a long time, but if we don’t get busy right away, this time next year Hunter’s laptop will still be out there attacking our human rights.
Gaetz: Uh-oh. UH-OH!!!! Look at this!!!
Boebert: Whoa. That girl really is hot!
Gaetz: Miss Manatee Junior High School 2020!!!!
Boebert: On second thought, you can hold dinner, Kev. I gotta drop a few more pounds before my shoot tomorrow.
Greene: I’m thinking I probably should also chair the Elections Committee, so we don’t have a repeat in Georgia.
Jordan now standing on the table: EVERYBODY SHUT-THE-FUCK-UP!!!!!!!! HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO THROW ADAM SCHIFF IN JAIL AND SHUT DOWN THE FBI AND THE IRS IF ALL WE DO IS ACT LIKE DAMN FOOLS?????
Boebert: We’re not the ones standing on the table, Jim.
Jordan: I’M NOT STAND- … OH … UMMM … I’M NOT SURE HOW I GOT UP HERE. DOESN’T MATTER, THOUGH. WE NEED TO GET OUR ACT TOGETHER QUICKLY. MR. TRUMP IS COUNTING ON ALL OF US.
Gaetz: Whoa, you should see what’s coming soon outta Fort Myers Middle School. Some real talent on the cheerleading squad!!
Greene: Actually, I think I want to Chair the Office of Congressional Ethics.
McCarthy: Go figure, she finally gets the name of a committee right, and it’s the one we are gonna gut like a fish.
Greene: What’s that, Kev?
McCarthy: Er, nothing, Margie, but I do think I have the perfect committee assignment for you …
Gaetz screams: Whoa! Forget all these teenage hotties. Did y’all see this?!?!
Jordan: HOLY SHIT, BRAZIL IS TRYING TO OVERTHROW THEIR GOVERNMENT WITH A BLOODY COUP!!!!
McCarthy: You mean there is actually something that excites you more than little girls, Matt?????
Gaetz: You kiddin’??? Is there anything hotter than anarchy and violent insurrection?????
Boebert: I think I’m in love …
Originally published here by D. Earl Stephens on “Enough Already”.
