The Denigration of Independence

Kyrsten Sinema answers to a higher power, and it's not her voters

12 mins read

(EDITOR’S NOTE: We have it from several unnamed sources who were most likely in a position to know, that a meeting took place at an undisclosed location deep in the heart of the mountains of West Virginia late last Thursday. This key, high-level meeting occurred just mere hours before Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema, appeared on every alleged “news” outlet in America to give a heart-rendering account of why she, a brave servant of her tortured soul, was leaving the Democratic Party to become an Independent for the good of everybody in America except her voters. The transcript from that meeting follows …)

<Voice in background>: OK, you can rip her hood off now.

Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema: My God! Where am I? And, ewww, can somebody get me a hairbrush??? My lush, blonde, pink, red beautiful hair must look awful!!! And it’s so dark in here! Can somebody turn on a light … get me a mirror?

West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin: Calm down now, missy. You are deep in the hills of West Virginia in a holler due west of Washington, D.C., a piece. Mitch, can you rustle up a hairbrush for the little lady?

Sinema: Did you really need to dump me in the trunk of a car and put a burlap sack over my head on the long drive over here???? I’m pretty good at keeping a secret, ya know. I mean, so far, I have nearly the entire Democratic Party fooled.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell: <snort> Burlap???

Manchin: Shut up, Mitch, let me handle her.

Manchin: As to smuggling you away in the trunk of my Maserati, well, you can never be too sure in these situations. If we don’t make sure we convert you to a Republican, er, Independent, but quick there’s no telling the financial damages that my, umm, OUR families will incur. Besides, I got my eyes on a tight little beachfront property just south of Malibu that’ll be mine all mine when we kill all these bills Biden’s hoping to pass in the new Senate. Grandkids will love it, and it’ll keep the wife out of my hair while I wreck Chuck’s agenda under the guise of being fiscally responsible.

Sinema: But why am I being forced to switch sides? You are a Democrat from this hillbilly state of West Virginia! Nobody believes you give a damn about the Democratic Party, Joe. Besides, I already helped save the filibuster and had a big part in destroying key parts of Biden’s agenda, including voting rights. Just outright dumping my affiliation with the Democratic Party seems wildly extreme for even me, and I once died my hair 15 shades of orange and purple just to win over a bunch of progressives at an art fair in Yuma to help win my first election. You know what? I won’t do it. I’m not becoming an Independent. I going to climb back in your trunk, put that sack back on my head, and you can drive me back to my fabulous townhouse in Arlington. 

<Dead silence in the room for 42 seconds>

Sinema: Hello? Boys???? Everybody still here? HELLOOOOO????

<Dead silence in the room for 37 more seconds>

<Door opens and slams shut … a cold draft envelopes the room …>

Sinema: What’s happening? Why is it suddenly freezing in here???

<A spotlight switches on and is pointed directly at Sinema>

Sinema: Oh my God, turn down that light! I haven’t even had a chance to brush my fabulous hair and do my makeup yet!!!!  And can somebody get me a jacket??? I’m freezing!

Dark Gravelly Sinister Voice: Shut up, and calm down, my sweet.

Sinema <screams>: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT???????!!!!

McConnell: That right there is God.

Sinema: God?????? That evil, disgusting thing is God??????

McConnell: You bet.

Sinema: God’s a Republican?????

Manchin: God is Charles Koch, my little hot petunia.

Sinema: THE Charles Koch??? The fabulously rich and wealthy Charles Koch???

Manchin: The very one.

Sinema: Oh … well … you boys gonna just sit there, or are ya gonna get me that mirror, makeup and hairbrush so I can look a little more presentable for Mr. Koch.

Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn: Here ya go, baby doll. We wantcha ta look nice and perty when you make your little ol’ announcement tomorrow. Even picked out a smashing dress special for the occasion. It’ll go well with the current color of your hair. Trust me.

Sinema: Marsha?? That’s really you? YOU know about this place?

Blackburn: Why of course, dear. This is where I kissed the ring of one Donald Trump in 2016. Kissed something else, too, but never you mind … What a man!

Sinema: Wait. We’re talking about the same Donald Trump here? The fat, disgusting, lying, pussy-grabbing, racist orange guy who attacked our country, and tried to get everybody to inject Lysol? THAT Donald Trump????

McConnell: I told you this was a bad idea.

Manchin: Calm down, Mitch. Just calm down, I got this …

McConnell: I won’t calm down. If this thing blows up, we’re done. If she goes out and tells everybody what we’ve been up to, the gravy train has officially gone off the rails, and we’re all gonna have to try to live on a Senator’s paltry salary. Dragging in an outsider, especially a hippy with purple hair, is risky business and unnecessary. I didn’t get to where I am in this party by being reckless … Why the biggest risk I ever took was being a meany to Trump on the Senate floor after the coup attempt, and that Nazi that hangs around with him is still stalking me everywhere I go.

Manchin: You mean, Stephen Miller?

McConnell: That’s the one. Found him hanging upside down in the closet where I keep my collection of brown, penny loafers one day. Scared the bejesus out of me. All I had was a shoehorn to defend myself.

Manchin: Damn … Yeah, you don’t want to get on the bad side of that guy. I hear he gargles embalming fluid.

McConnell: What’s wrong with that?

Manchin: Ummm … Anyway, I can’t be doing all the heavy lifting for the Democrats to kill all these awful things Biden has cooked up that are going to benefit most Americans, Mitch. Mr. Trump put us in quite a spot endorsing those whack jobs in all the swing states for Senate. We need a sorta pretty face to come over to our side as a Republican, err, Independent. And better yet, she’s been a progressive, so this is perfect.

Sinema: Hey, I’m no progressive! Never have been, despite what the fools who elected me think. And sorta pretty????????

Manchin: Shhhhhhhhhh … we know that, but a fair amount of Americans don’t. And you’ll clean up like a China Doll when Marsha’s done with you.

Sinema: China Doll? Isn’t that just a little bit racist?

McConnell: I’m telling you this is a bad idea. She’s gonna blow our cover.

Blackburn: Krissy … baby … you’re not gonna blow anybody’s cover now are ya …

Sinema: Well, this is a lot to process, Marsha. I mean, when you guys asked me to vote down the Infrastructure Bill in exchange for the $50,000 gift certificates to Forever21 and Target I thought I was done.

Blackburn: $50,000 is all you got????

Manchin <interrupts>: Marsha, I don’t think this is a …

Blackburn: Baby, you are about to get an offer you cannot refuse. You’ll be rich beyond yer wildest dreams when you convert to Republican, errr, Independent …

Sinema: I mean, well, ummmm … how much are we talking?

Blackburn: Mitch? What are you and Mr. Koch prepared to do for this courageous little gal so she’ll vote right alongside us on these terrible, terrible bills, and all these horrible, woke judges that will be coming our way?

<mumbling in the background>

Koch: Five million. Cash. Immediately deposited in an off-shore account of your choosing. You got three seconds to decide. I’m a busy man.

Sinema: <gulp> Five million bucks???? Done, God! I mean, Charles. I mean, David, I mean … Oh my God!!!!! Five million dollars!!!!!!!!

Blackburn: Now that’s my sweet, little girl. Bless yer heart. Now let’s get you into that perty red dress we picked out for you just for this occasion, and go do some TV shows!

Originally published on the Enough Already Substack here.

Photo by Reuters

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D. Earl Stephens is a published author and finished up a 30-year career in journalism as the Managing Editor of Stars and Stripes

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