How Making Seat Belts Optional Can Save Democracy

4 mins read

It is heartening to see our North Dakota state legislators spend their taxpayer-funded time on such important boons to freedom as elimination of seat belt laws for those of us who have celebrated our 18th birthday. These authoritarian safety statutes have effectively exiled us all to some desolate totalitarian regime. I’m sure that if there’s one thing the people of North Korea long for, it is freedom from restrictive seat belt laws.

Of course, this legislation is a reaction to the argument that wearing a mask is no harder than wearing a seat belt, and we might as well all pull together for the collective good. The North Dakota Legislature isn’t having any of this “collective good” stuff. That sounds communist! Some of those who have made this mask/seat belt comparison are known to drive with their masks on and their seat belts fastened. Such people might as well be living in a Stalinist gulag. They will never appreciate the freedom of unbelted driving, which is practically everything that makes America great. 

Will North Dakotans really be free, though, if our 18- to 20-year-old residents can’t continue to buy cigarettes to smoke on their unbelted road trips? The federal minimum age for buying tobacco products is 21. This is a pressing problem for our young adults, a greater blight than cell phones and social media, even when you include TikTok. Thank goodness we have at least seven brave state senators set in opposition to the socialist measure that would raise North Dakota’s minimum Freedom-Stick-buying age to match the federal rule. These truly libertarian legislators may be our kids’ only hope in their struggle for Harry Styles coolness. 

Finally, none of these other freedoms matter if our young white supremacists can’t take their concealed weapons to Bible study or to the funerals of the people they shot at Bible study. And who among us has not wished for the warm comfort of a concealed weapon at a high school football game or a school concert? Legislators can’t achieve all our goals at this time due to the demonic Democrats and the influence of an older generation that still looks at you like you’re wearing a live skunk on your head when you say that you need to grab your pistol for the Christmas concert or Grandma’s funeral.

For now, patriotic legislators are working to meet our need to pack heat at athletic events conducted outside of school buildings. Rest assured: once we are allowed to take our weapons to schools we will not be required to retreat from the assault of an aggressive music teacher adding an extra number by the fourth grade flutophone ensemble. The state Legislature is on this problem now with House Bill 1193, which will have the added benefit of making North Dakota more like “stand your ground” Florida. 

First, though, legislators feel they absolutely must send a message to those overly popular and never-bullied transgender kids who are invading our high school sports like a caravan of Salvadorans wading across the Rio Grande to take our jobs, vote in Georgia, and, presumably, peek into the wrong locker room.

Photo courtesy the Late Late Show.

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