I listened to (most of) it so you don’t have to.
Adam Schiff: “Today we are interested in hearing from people who heard the president say nefarious things.”
Devin Nunes: “We are not interested in that, at all. We would like to talk about Joe Biden, here, at a hearing that is not about Joe Biden.”
Lt Col. Alexander Vindman: “Hello. I am in the military. I am clearly scared that Trump and his supporters will cause harm to me or my family.”
Democrats: “Please tell us your story.”
Lt. Col Vindman: “I heard President Trump say sketchy things to the president of Ukraine over the phone, and I was weirded out, so I reported them to my superiors.”
Republicans: “You have a foreign-sounding name, and therefore you are a SPY!”
*everyone except Devin Nunes and Jim Jordan is very uncomfortable*
Jennifer Williams: “Hi. I don’t like any of you. I *do* like Mike Pence.”
Democrats: “Is Mike Pence involved in this scandal?”
Williams: “That’s classified.”
Republicans: “If you like Mike Pence, maybe we could see our way to getting you to exonerate the President?”
Williams: “Nope.”
Republicans: “Forget these guys. Here are *our* witnesses. We hand-picked these people to tell everyone just how the innocent the president is.”
Kurt Volker: “Oops. I know I said before in my closed-door testimony that the President didn’t do bad things, but I’ve just remembered, under oath, in the face of overwhelming evidence, that he actually *did* do bad things.”
Tim Morrison: “Yeah.”
Republicans: *insert Homer Simpson backing into the shrubbery GIF*
*FIN*
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